Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Lord, I Love Rings

Most people think that Eve gave Adam a bite of an apple when the original sin was first committed. I challenge you to find the word apple anywhere in Genesis.

I think it was an onion ring. Onion rings are of the devil and fried in the fires of hell itself! Delightfully crispy and greasy, the heavenly bouquet of freshly fried onion rings verily wafts up my nostrils and straight to the "sin" center of my brain when I am within sniffing range of a Burger King!

I ordered a Veggie Burger at Burger King on the way to band rehearsal last night. As I was placing my order through the little speaker outside, I heard another voice come out of my mouth. “I’d like to order a BK Veggie Burger and LARGE ONION RINGS.” It was one of Satan’s demons talking. He also made me drive to the takeout window and greedily grab the bag as the startled cashier handed it to me.

Waves of guilt swept over me. Then a little demon appeared on my left shoulder and said, “Well really, how many calories can a large order of onion rings have? Just a few onion rings won’t hurt you. And besides, think how good you’ve been lately. You deserve it!” A little angel who had floated down from heaven and landed on my other shoulder said, “Try somewhere in the range of 500 calories. Don’t do it Randy. You know how dirty you’ll feel if you give in to this temptation.”

I was soon consumed with a ravaging desire to eat the onion rings. I NEEDED these onion rings. I wanted these onion rings. One pack of onion rings wasn’t going to be the end of the world! Just this one time wasn’t going to hurt. Then the takeout demon from hell pried open my mouth and force fed me the onion rings. One, two, three onion rings slid down my throat like some kind of wildly evil (and slippery) amusement park ride.

Then it was over. Everything was quiet. Pleasure turned into guilt. I had been defeated by a bag of fried vegetables.

So I had a little stumble. Nothing to get real upset about. Next time just don’t listen to that little guy with the pointy tail, OK?

3 comments:

Latryce said...

You remind me so much of myself, Randy!

Don't feel bad. And I'm speaking from experience. See this as a change for LIFE. An onion ring or two will not hurt you. As a matter of fact, I've read that it's okay to have a cheat day once a week...mine are more like cheat meals once a day.

Keep it up homie!

devon said...

hehe... i do that too, i just did it saturday,.. i got a big arse WHOPPER and i shoved a few fries in... then i spit them out. i gave the meal to craig. i couldn't do it. at least i got the sensation of fries w/out swallowing.

and WHY do mothers try to shove food down your mouth during thanksgiving?!?!?! i was in a food coma the whole week.

keep it up ran man! i've said it once, i'll say it again, i eat more than you do. holy cow.

PlushCadillac said...

Gotta fight those temptations man